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A day full of people and I’m done trying. I can’t take this prof. Seriously because he just talks inefficiently and so much is kinda obvious to me. Sick of having to be with people. Just let me go away. No time to go home for long before work.
So gym went ok. Did bench, with some close grip variations. Didn’t gonheavy because I was alone and doing good work with 45 close grip and 55 regular. some squats with #35, and a few quick deadlifts. Didn’t want to go super hard today. Monday
That feel when you’re having a rough mental day but you’re slowly getting yourself to do self care and in dressing in a lot of dark colors you still actually feel cute?? And dove, I promise it wasn’t anything you did. Just me and how
I’m getting groceries and got the ingredients for pumpkin spice cupcakes with actual pumpkin. With icing. I also should have the ingredients for gingerbread cookies. And I can make chili and cook chicken for the week. I just need to prep some easy
I wasn’t challenged to do a stuffing today. I wimped out but 10/12 cupcakes isn’t bad at all. Over 3,000 calories. And funnily enough it encouraged the dove to do a stuffing too (he later asked what have I don’t to him). But I think
Yeah, after last night I’m skipping the sugar in my coffee and am just going to wait till lunch to eat. I need to pack a lunch and put on real clothes to go to the EC weekly lunch meetup since I have been out of the loop all semester. But the
Just trying to look at how to improve my resume, trying to find internships through the school system, just a wave of stress. And suddenly feeling emotionally tired. I’m in the library and need to work now though. And I just slept for ten plus hours
I’d like to go back to bed. I need to eat breakfast. I need to go to school. I know if I don’t eat breakfast I will have an even worse time going through my morning classes. I just want to curl up and cuddle in bed. I just want everything
Do you ever analyze yourself and think “maybe there’s a trend here” I just got off work. My boss let me try to supervise the whole shift while he stayed in his office for the most part. I took care of incoming calls and delegated missed
I ate a second round of smores, and a plate of nachos. Mentally a bit numb. Maybe just the crash after all the high energy of the weekend or resistance to going back to school. Or I’m just needy and I’ve noticed that life is easier when
It’s just easy for me to get into slumps where I just want to write terrible things. Had some water. Rested a lot today. Finally started listening to music and found a way to download Steven universe songs. Which is now spreading to other music.
god physical intimacy, be it literally there or more mental, feels so fucking good. I feel well cared for loved. I love how close we are and how well we know each other. It just makes me so happy and relaxed. Even though he isn’t physically here
I want to be fat and I want to be sensual. I want your hands on my belly and you telling me you’re going to take care of me and make me softer. I want to be comforted and held and caressed.
yindy:Ok that lapis and peridot comic with the cats really makes me wish I could purrr God I love the Internet. I can listen to a cat purr for three hours straight apparently
Slept
So I finally did the dishes in the sink. Still a pretty even split between me and the one other roommate who uses the kitchen. The floor is getting so disgusting and I hate being the only one who cleans because I know that I did not get barbecue sauce
To me, little just means vulnerable but safe. And I’m still learning how to do that. It’s hard to take down walls that are always up.
I did the homework and I took my shower. I’m just afraid of a self fulfilling prophecy. God I hate how much this is weighing on me. Like just so much. I feel like I’m supposed to be mentally stronger at keeping my spirits up. Like if I could
All I’ve had today is sugar and coffee. I need to cook some sausage and have something healthy and with protein. I need to be ok today. I need to be clear headed. Self care is hard. I don’t know how to take today. Like I don’t know
So between the sexplanations bdsm dungeon tour and nostalgia critic review of fifty shades, I’ve got my mind on more traditional bdsm. Just the feeling and sensations look interesting. Not inherently sexual but can be with the right context. But
So I’m tired. I got eight hours and I’m exhausted. I’m not doing great. But I managed to eat breakfast and made it to class on time. I just want to go back to bed and hear silence.
Also I’m probably coming down with something. My throat has been low key sore all day with slightly more frequent sneezing. Oh joy
If I’m doing good I don’t need meds and if I’m doing bad I’m being lazy I can’t trust my own mind to know what I’m really feeling. I’m too susceptible to suggestion. To ready to believe I’m broken. Is the
I need to get out of bed. I just want to stay here and cuddle Barnsie. I need to go out and vote. I need to research the other stuff.
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine
I voted hilary, democrat, anti-incumbent. However I am in a red state. I hope LGBTQ rights and the rights of minorities can be protected. But I can’t hate all trump supporters because that’s my family and peers. And my mom didn’t want
Ok. Officially sick of the election. I’m willing to give trump the benefit of the doubt. I know Pence has done a lot of fucked up things. I know basically the entire government just got republican majority. I know people are scared and bigots are
Been a rough morning. Didn’t sleep well at all even though I was really tired. Psychiatrist went well. She said I could go up to a pill and a half if I wanted to but right now I want to try fixing my sleep first. Sh recommended Benadryl and I think
If my mood could be stable and not go up and down than the GA Cyclone, that’d be great. Tbh I main mood is wanting to curl up in bed
I’m making progress on what my research question will be…
Actually did some meal planning for next week. Trying to eat better and taking some tips from paleo not definitely not going full on. Not really seeing a huge reason to cut out cheese and crackers. But will be trying to cut out seriously processed foods
Also roasting sweet potatoes in some coconut oil in the toaster oven. Should be really yummy. Probably used too much oil but I’ll work on portions when content gets better
Had a rough hour tonight but doing much better. Started thinking about everything in my head (a mistake mind you). I wrote out a lot. Pen and Paper feel good though. But I kinda irked myself up. Was feeling really impulsive/anxious (I think there’s
If my brain could stay stable that’d be nice. Didn’t sleep well and woke up the dove by my moody ass not being able to control myself. Was able to stabilize a bit later but I’m finally alone for the first time in three days and I feel
A big bowl of chili and four cookies does a belly good. Feeling much better
Without fail, the gym makes me hungry, lol. I had lunch before I went and had a protein bar when I got back. Man I’m out of shape. Been a good day so far. Been productive. Not perfect with times but those are more guidelines. Overslept and now
Been very weird recently. I love my belly and being soft and eating whatever I want. But logic brain knows I should lose ten pounds. Parents have noticed and that is the ultimate warning sign. My pants are tight. I’m out of shape. Trying to get
Lord. Part of me wants to be buff and part of me ants to be soft. Right now mood is the former. Let’s see how long this lasts. Helps that I don’t have a ton of sweets in the house. I’ll add gum to my shopping list though. Logic side
So much to do and so little motivation. I just want to shrink down to a little kitten and not have to adult. I gave myself a lot of projects for sure it seems. How about I lock my phone, take a shower, feed myself, donthe dishes and go out and get what
That feel when you finally go get thrift jeans a size up, and even some of those don’t fit you. So yeah, really should drop weight. Nice to have more than three jeans that fit me though. Now I have six that fit me. Goody.
That feel when you ate crappy the last two days and you finally have some vegetables and the broccoli tastes so amazing
Today is one of those days where I’m thankful I don’t have to deal with people. But I’m imagining their judgement and it’s not helping
So I got 9 hours. Got coffee. Started on the pile of dishes in a kitchen with almost no space at all. Dad and I are taking shifts. I feel just weary and ugh. Stepmom even noted I looked sad, though left shortly after. I haven’t been eating well
So today was rough. I was feeling really bad and moody and sad most of the day. Post-Christmas depression or something, though I suspect just basic bleh feelings. But I was feeling really bleh. Like part depressed and then part anxious about hiding how
Mental update
I’m up too late. But I wanted to comment on some patterns in myself. In the past, usually I would be very prolific when in a relationship and when my mind was on bad thoughts. the other relationships and the writing from that aside, it’s sad
It’s 1:15 am. I’m not tired. I was earlier and actually tried to go to bed back around 10. That didn’t work. Tomorrow is gonna suckkkk
I’m tired, it’s cold, I feel like laying in bed. Still need to do meds and stuff though. Really don’t want to adult right now
Also feeling really needy this morning. I just want to cuddle my dove. But he’s in class and I don’t want to bother him. I should be ok. Probably should eat something more nutritious than I did- half a banana and some PB, and I made a really
Seriously why the fuck am I so tired???
Damn today has been a roller coaster. What I wouldn’t give for an actual distraction. Like it’s sitting in my brain. I need to sleep. I just want to not be alone after all that. What I really want is dove. But that’s gonna happen for
Morning of fail. I need to do homework and clean but also feed myself and do self care and I just want to go back to bed. Everything is too hard. Well the homework isn’t due yet. I have until midnight tonight. I just want to be bundled and rest.
I made it to class and instead of pj pants I have athletic leggings. Does that count?
I made it through class and got my final book. At least I don’t feel like crying now. Self care is hard and my mind is fragile. Barely able to sit still in class. I need to go to the gym to deal with all the stress built up in my body. Really really
Nothing like jerking it an hour before you give your BFF’s ex a tour of your campus to convince them to not go to said BFF’s campus… I just want to have a kinky make out sesh really badly. Caring the dove in kisses, reveling in our
Since writing a post helped me relax and sleep the other night, I’ll try to be a bit proactive tonight and do it before 2am. I could have been better today. But I was lazy in the not really trying way. I slept in though I could have fought it and
How do I have no IRL feedist friends but I now have a friend who’s a little and is kinda Sissy now. As in sister. Such is life.
i need to eat. i will eat. i made breakfast. just feel really tense and a little anxious. ill be ok. but my self-care hasn’t been great since i got home. like the impulse trip to dollar tree. which wasn’t really terrible but i cant keep looking
Well I’m up, clothed, fed, started laundry and a dish load, took my meds. Haven’t studied but I’ll just get to school and study in the classroom. Counting seems to help when I feel like doing nothing. Distracts my head from how much
Today was ok. Didn’t sleep well and that threw the day to a very rough start. Just bleh. But somehow I got myself up and fed. By my earlier posts you can see how I was struggling yet I pulled through. I count to myself and somehow that helped. Like
