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I’m not sore so I feel like I need to hit the gym again. Will this happen? Will I use this as an excuse to do less homework? I like sore muscles. I guess I took the line about breaking down the body to improve it to heart. I was expecting myself
Three cups of coffee with sugar and peppermint and I’m still not fully awake. Adulting to do but I just want to escape. mYbe that’s why I’ve had Savannah and Christmas on my mind so much recently. Places where my mind is at ease, or
Listening to Hamilton...
Hamilton fucks me up
You know what would be really great is to get really physically exerted. Like wake up energized, have a high protein breakfast but with also complex carbs so I can go for hours and hours and go lift until I’m all sore out, have a good lunch break,
The Hamilton fandom bringing actual history (and smutty fan fiction) to my dash. But seriously happy to see my peers learning and appreciating a curious history
I am still learning how feedism is meant to apply to my life. Often the dove will try to indulge me and I will brush it off saying ‘not in the mood’ and this doesn’t extend to all intimacy, just the feedist side. I don’t fully
I need to work on this clock but I stayed up late. The dove is gonna be here in half an hour and I feel like drifting away in music and dreaming of Savannah and Savannah-like places. My mind drifts back Mr. Tambourine man, but my tune in my head replaces
a dear friend is shitting on themselves :/ trying my best to help them but they think that they don’t deserve love, that they are an “obese freak” and i don’t know how to get through to them. they want a mate who will love them because they
Had a wonderful nights sleep finally and i feel pretty good. Only a little sore in I think what is called the deltoids and sides of my thighs. Ate actually pretty healthy yesterday. Like I got a lot of protein based meals and I ate at normal times which
Today is the first day since I got back that I have no plans with anybody. I need to go look for a job but I really just want to stay in my room, though I know the latter choice will result in me feeling worse about myself. I have between 10-2pm to go
first day of classes. course with my schedule, i don’t start for another 26 hours. i just need to do well this semester. and i keep feeling like curling into a ball and going back to bed. back to a safe, fun dream world. i at least went to bed a bit
so this is the pain of being a man
knife and flint and fire and growth
So I have my first mission. Get a marketing campaign, get good with videos, get a business plan, create a source of revenue. Hematight, I know I’m drafting you but this means a lot to me. Thank you for your help. And hopefully we can get this
thr good thing about busy days is I don’t have time to be on feabie until I get slightly turned on which makes me want to get really turned on which reminds me of the lure of the feedist lifestyle. Busy days don’t let me do that and I wind
today has been a good day. slept in, felt well enough to skip to meds today. still drippy nose and sneezing but i wanted a baseline of how the cold is healing up and not being miserable is great progress. also made some progress in my studies and went
I am not very good with moderation I find. Anything I love I binge on. Be it fandoms or ideas. Extremes are easy. Some days I subsist on coffee, protein bars, and cheese because it’s easier than cooking and doing dishes. Some days like today, and
Feeling much better mentally than I was a few hours ago. I always forget when I’m in a rough patch that people and social interaction, as much as I dread it at times, really does help me. I wasn’t doing too good this morning. Maybe it was
Feeling a bit off. Not fragile just not sure what I want. Actually went to bed before midnight for the first time in at least a fortnight. So that was actually good. Miss my dove and often want a cuddle but that’s just not possible and then also
I made it... on to the next level.
Feeling very quiet today. Got work in 90 minutes. I would prefer to stay home and enjoy the sound of silence. Stillness. Calm
Been a weird few days. I just want to get away from everything. Take me away. To the woods, to the beach. Maybe if I can get my shit together enough, I’ll go to my favorite creek. But I’ve just been stagnating where I am. I have been just
So I’m in my corset and have a big pillow stuffed under a small shirt to simulate being bigger and less mobility. I know it’s not accurate. But I would love to be stuffed today. I could go out and get food. I NEED to get new work shoes before
So I came home, rested, got in Pjs, ate dinner and fell asleep. And now it’s after midnight, I’m awake, and not fully sure what now. Should I try to go back to sleep or stay up? My right heel is sore from work. The new work boots are still
I did some meal prep- 8 breakfast burritos with veggies, chicken, cheese, and a paste of black beans and salsa- all frozen and ready to reheat, a blackberry lemon Greek yogurt mix that I’m freezing, and prepped two Apple crisps to bake for my next
The last 48 hours my sleep schedule has been really messed up. As in there is none. I have gone to bed at 2-3 am. Today I slept till almost noon. Went out for a few hours. Came home, relaxed and fell asleep. Woke up at 9pm. Ate cheese and crackers for
Libido sated, high energies moderated, and I’m ready to direct my attentions elsewhere. There gets to be a point where the fetish and mind numbing don’t entertain anymore and quiet reflection is called for. Threw some trash on the wall.
Feeling needy and I just want to cuddle. I don’t care if it’s the dove or a dog or just any living thing. I just want a cuddle and I hate when I get like this. Because at the end of the day, I get lonely and I feel like I should be stronger
should i make myself an aesthetic blog?
7:30
I’m always aware of my belly, ever conscious of how is sits. When I lay down on my side, it bunches up and I can’t resist playing with it, feeling excited and smiling at its existence. I feel defensive of my flab. Oh how I wish I could swell
A chicken quesadilla, a hotdog, 3 chocolate chip cookies baked from scratch (and the fair amount of dough from the bowl), and also a lot of water, and I feel a contented fullness like I haven’t felt in a while. No where near stuffed but still,
A great, well planned lunch was just what I needed. Just wholesome good food. Left me with my belly feeling round and sated. Perfect combos- two mini- sandwiches in rolls I got on sale, a serving of deli turkey, a slice of smoked cheese, pulled out some
I just had so much time off. Why am I so tired already. It’s only the second day of school. I need to read two chapters in history, a chapter in management, just read a chapter for finance, not sure what I need to do for Econ and science. I got
I’m getting weirder. I’ve noticed I’ve started saying ‘peace’ instead of hello and goodbye. Hope it’s not too weird. But it does fit my hopes for my peers. I wish peace on everyone. That doesn’t mean they’ll
Maybe it it’s because I let myself sleep in, but feeling weird and such. I thought it was craving touch but it more craving tight spaces. Like a tight body sock that squeezed me, especially around the arms and limited movement. But googling “
Gym didn’t happen today. I slept in. Like hella slept in. And it’s been an off day for me. Sleeping in late doesn’t really help me keep a normal routine I know. And I kinda need more structure. But today it was hard to get out of bed.
I don’t think I’m going to get anymore sleep tonight. Some music out my window woke me up around 3:50 am. I went to bed around midnight. But I’m just not feeling myself falling so I might as well get some breakfast. I’m hungry
Can I like not have class now? I just want to be alone listening to music in the woods. Where I can move with the beat without be as self conscious. Got more sleep last night but I’m still tired. I can sleep in tonight at least. Just feeling a bit
If I could bury myself deeper in your warm chest and safe arms, I would Yet ephemeral is that luxury And I can’t make you my anchor It isn’t fair to you to make you my only support I need to make my own safe harbor I need to understand my
I tried wine. It was gross. That is all
Brain has been ok today. Back has been ok. Been asking myself some questions. Still can’t answer them. But I finished Steven Universe up to date at least. I’m trying to be ok. Nothing is stopping me. But I still let myself focus too much on
My apple vendor is a wonderful lady who is awesome! She’s been a good support for me today and I got apples and also ice cream. Got work in an hour. My laptop is officially dead for some odd reason. Best Buy geek squad took a look and explained
So had another meltdown with the dove being thoroughly confused. And it summed up to him asking me to see a counselor. Originally couples counseling. But I’m getting really clingy and am making assumptions and when I bottle it up, I end up crying
My mother is more like me than I thought some days. She’s going through a lot of stress and it’s making her miserable and unable to sleep. Stepdad thinks she’s being “overly dramatic” but she’s waking up at 4am even
Could barely eat this morning. Managed half a banana and coffee and crammed for my MGT test. Which I somehow finished in 15 minutes. I gave my best guess on everything and was unfortunately the first one done. In the computer lab now. Made an appointment
So the saga continues. And it’s taking a toll on both of us. He told me that these breakdowns push him away and I get that. I’ve hurt his trust and each subsequent “why didn’t you tell me earlier” hurts it further. He wants
The ministry has fallen
I HAVE A TINY BABY SPIDER ON MY HAND
It’s been a rough day. Felt impulsive and channeled that into a walk. The risk was if I tried would rain. It did and I’m junked down a few hundred yards away using the neighboring complex wifi. I want everything to be ok but it’s not
I feel like I have claws and every now and then I fall into a room of balloons. I feel like scratching the hand that feeds me which isn’t smart but just the vitriol and confusion inside. I don’t know how to feel. Emotions aren’t easy.
If I don’t o a self check, I realize I’ve been defensive. Like I need to make up for something. I don’t like how bad my face has gotten. Body is Ok. I feel like hiding away but I know that doesn’t really make me feel better if
Man getting six hours of sleep is not good for my head. I keep having to remind myself to stop sticking my hand in the swirling vortex of what I want to describe as some laughably bad villain, like an exaggerated name that mock it. It’s a vortex
Feeling a lot more stable. Got food in me. Probably should go to bed early tonight. I’m sleepy and my poor self care recently probably caused my moody day. Like it or not a body Needs food and proper rest to perform comfortably and predictably.
I just began a good chunk of some work I had been putting off. It’s not too late but will be a bit of a time crunch. But set up an appointment at the writing center. And I’m running on five hours of sleep. Just made the executive decision
I laid down for a few hours and I just got food and I feel so much better like hello. Like not 100% but A helluva lot better. And I want to go get more food so yeah bye
Well this sucks. I was so tired I was nervous on a seven minute drive home four hours ago and now I’m wide awake. Fuck. I don’t have time to be exhausted tomorrow too. I need to be up early.
I’ve been busy all morning and this is my first chance to rest and really actually eat. Technically I had time earlier but I chose to work instead trying to finish before I had to go to an event… which my teammate bailed on. So that’s
Hit the gym with R this morning and we focused on deep butts while deadlifting and now my butt is nice and sore. Like the outer half of my legs. Whereas usually I think I did deadlifts more straight legged/from the hips and this brought in more of the
