glumshoe
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glumshoe: chequerootlurks: ailithnight: dreaming-shark: hotcommunist: partybarackisinthehousetonight: *releases pack of dads into home depot* go……be free invasive species encroach on lesbian territory This is a common misconception because
glumshoe: does Spider-man eat his old webs to reclaim the nutrients and avoid waste
glumshoe:I don’t understand Christians who look at the climate crisis and go “oh, well, God will save us if it gets bad, we don’t have to do anything about it” like he did very much make Noah build an entire gigantic boat by hand
glumshoe:Butch character: [exists]Way, way too many people, many of whom are women who genuinely consider themselves feminists: “Well, actually, this is bad representation because it suggests that women need to be like men to be strong. It would be
glumshoe:I love my dog.
glumshoe: my dad’s reply when I said I’d be there for dinner tomorrow
glumshoe: You wake in the night with your arm hanging over the side of your bed. It is still dark, and your bedroom is shrouded in deep shadow. Something unseen seizes your hand. You grasp it tightly, knowing that first impressions are important and
glumshoe: There are four kinds of fashion in the Star Wars universe: -rags ‘n’ goggles -military chic -billowy -Space Royalty
glumshoe: whoever created all these stock photos of this particular smarmy, insufferable android knows what’s up
glumshoe: palenoface: allthe-queens-men: fourhystericalqueens: one thing i love about queen is that 80% of the time, they never look like they’re dressed for the same event from left to right, they’re going to : a job interview buy some cigarettes
glumshoe:gay-irl: gay irl whoa the exact same thing happened to me once
glumshoe: What I say: “I’m touch-starved.” What you think I mean: “I need a hug.” What I truly mean: “I need someone to platonically lie across me with their full weight, crushing my body and providing deep pressure until my errant soul
glumshoe: UFO means “unidentified flying object”. It doesn’t mean “alien spacecraft”. If it’s in the air, and people aren’t sure what it is, then it’s a UFO. You can’t “mistake something for a UFO” if its true nature is unclear….
glumshoe: Shastasaurus was fucking huge, even larger than megalodon, but it’s hard to think of it as particularly imposing, because it probably looked like a pot-bellied swordfish/pelican… BODE
glumshoe: When my dad was a teenager, he accidentally started working for a restaurant that was a front for the local mafia. He flipped burgers for a semester and then, when he wanted to leave, one of the members pulled a gun on him and said he couldn’t.
glumshoe: I pretend to be complex and clever but in reality, nothing has ever made me laugh harder than those bad Chinese subtitles from the bootleg Lord of the Rings DVDs. Tears streaming down my face, core aching, slowly suffocating because I’m laughing
glumshoe: nemfrog: A baby and an adult compared as if they were the same size. Using Modern Science. 1951. Thanks! I hate it.
glumshoe: “What is the word that is like fuckable but for eat? This sandwich is fuckable but for eat.” “Edible. This sandwich is edible.”
glumshoe: Me, combing through my cat’s fur, looking for fleas the medication didn’t manage to kill: “Do you realize what I’m doing for you? I’m grooming you. I am plucking insects out of your fur. It’s an ancient tradition among my people
glumshoe: puncromancer: just saw a post that shortened critical thinking to crit and boy when i read “y’all need to practice self-crit” i was mighty confused how you land a crit on yourself “roll to practice self-care” [crits] “in an attempt
glumshoe: outofcontextdnd: “No you can’t name your weapon shop ‘Bloodbath and Beyond’.” sounds like a bad DM
glumshoe:friendships that fluctuate between really stupid weird flippant jokes and earnest vulnerability and deep affection make life so much richer
glumshoe:I don’t know how to explain to my dog that I can’t make the outside less cold. I can’t change the fact that it’s winter. She keeps asking to go outside and play catch, but the moment I open the door, she changes her mind and gives me
glumshoe: The other day I watched a little boy get knocked to the ground by an older kid who was running by. He burst into tears as his mother hurried over.“Here’s a bandaid for ya,” I said, producing one from my vest pocket. “Oh, he’s not
glumshoe: trashfirefallon: a-fragile-sort-of-anarchy: I got a shout out on Not Another D&D Podcast, @trashfirefallon got their question answered on MBMBaM… It’s only a matter of time before Ship is the new voice of Night Vale. It’s a slippery
glumshoe: not to sound like a linguistic prescriptivist but my god communication would be so much easier if you could trust words to mean the same thing to everyone who uses them
glumshoe: Job strengths: knowledgeable, friendly, patient, adaptable, hard-workingJob weaknesses: I don’t know what to do with my arms
glumshoe: which Spock mask is worst Spock mask? I can’t decide
glumshoe: I barely speak any Arabic anymore but I can understand just enough to occasionally be scandalized by overheard gossip in public bathrooms.
glumshoe:Dear women’s clothing designers: yes, I am going to leave the top of my shirt unbuttoned and the sleeves rolled up to my elbows. No, I don’t want ¾ths length sleeves and missing top buttons. It has to be a choice if it’s going to look
glumshoe: Griffin McElroy: “So in this arc of The Adventure Zone, you’re all living double lives as monster-hunters and it’s vitally important that no one finds out about this. You must protect your secret at all costs.”Every NPC in Amnesty:
glumshoe: stranger: “hey… are you…. do I recognize you from tumblr…?”me:
glumshoe: Me: “What are some examples of animals that are carnivores?”Child: “Monkeys!”Me: “Well—“Child: “They eat BANANAS!”Me: “Are bananas made out of meat?”Child: [giggling] “YEAH!”Me: “….kid, that is the scariest thing
glumshoe: poor-boy-orpheus: poor-boy-orpheus: poor-boy-orpheus: Me flirting: did you know the mating rituals of the tailless whip scorpion are incredibly gentle, involving the male caressing the female and holding her hand? An important update: you
glumshoe: Someone: [replies to something I’ve said using words I am familiar with as slang I am not familiar with]Me: [sweating nervously]
glumshoe: Wheat fields are more mystical than fields of other crops. You are 7,000 times more likely to meet an old god or see a portent of doom in a wheat field than in a field of like… soybeans.
glumshoe: Yesterday a little boy informed me that fish can breathe underwater “because they think it’s air” and I love the implication that fish respiration works the same way that cartoon gravity does.
glumshoe: My grandfather keeps calling iPhone emojis “Ouija boards”. Earlier he was raving about romaine lettuce being contaminated with “tuberculosis”.
glumshoe:my coworkers don’t appreciate my texts
glumshoe:just remembered some fantasy novel I read when I was 11 in which a sorceress enchants a door so that everyone who enters through that entrance is… entranced… she was so finger-steeplingly evil and smug about it and I was just angry
glumshoe: Actually I think one of my favorite desert animal adaptations is in the Saharan desert ant–they’re able to withstand the hottest temperatures of any land animal for short periods. During the hottest part of the day, when all predators have
glumshoe:if you’ve ever done much in the way of camping or survivalism or outdoor cooking you’ll know what I mean by “fire possessiveness”
glumshoe:I sprinkled the bread with parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. And also fancy salt. Hopefully the herbs aren’t too burnt and still taste good.
glumshoe:“I think the experience gap between a 19 year old and a 35 year old is too large to result in a healthy romantic relationship without a power imbalance,” I say.I pause.“But of course I’d date a 3,000 year old shapeshifting dragon demi-god
glumshoe:isaidyoulookshitty:vampireapologist-archive-deacti:we drink boba tea to satisfy our ancient & innate urge to slurp up tadpoles from a puddle through a reedno we absolutely do notyes we do
glumshoe:draconym:draconym:draconym:This is THE LARGEST CHICKEN fungus I’ve ever seenI took a whole grocery bag full and this is how much was still left (I always leave some so it can spore but this is ridiculous)There’s SO much of itThis
glumshoe:January 1 and the lords you gifted me no longer leap with their initial vigor. I suspect their are faulty. Do you still have the receipt? I wish to exchange them for new, leapier, more athletic lords.
glumshoe: horror movie about a serial killer who thinks he’s killed dozens of people along a particular highway but actually he’s never hurt anyone at all because he just kept picking up hitchhiking ghosts
glumshoe:“Oh shit, are you one of the good guys now? I totally missed your redemption arc.” “No, no, I’m still a villain. I haven’t learned a damn thing.”“…okay, but if you’re not a good guy, what are you doing here?”“I’m
glumshoe:My dad and I have not played chess since I was in third grade until just now, when we both forgot the rules and every strategy we ever knew and just chased each other’s kings around fruitlessly it was very on brand this reminds me of the time
glumshoe:One of my coworkers openly and outspokenly hates me and I go through my days simply ignoring them whenever possible, but recently they seem to be going out of their way to try to make me look bad, including what appear to be attempts to gaslight
glumshoe: my old roommate almost died once because I didn’t realize that hyperglycemia can cause weird mood changes we were getting into bed and he suddenly became an asshole and I just assumed he had decided to be evil now and went to sleepthe next
glumshoe: lew-basnight:
glumshoe: gay-irl: gay irl whoa the exact same thing happened to me once
glumshoe: friendships that fluctuate between really stupid weird flippant jokes and earnest vulnerability and deep affection make life so much richer
glumshoe: the ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ has only been actually typed once by a single person, everyone else who has ever used it has just googled “shrug emoji” and copy-pasted it
glumshoe: My main method for making friends has always been: 1.) make 1 (one) friend 2.) hope that this friend has other friends 3.) hope that these friends accept you as friend 1’s sidekick and tolerate you long enough to bond
glumshoe:work friends -> worm friends
glumshoe: This is getting OUT OF HAND. (And I love it.)
![glumshoe:Butch character: [exists]Way, way too many people, many of whom are women who genuinely consider themselves feminists: “Well, actually, this is bad representation because it suggests that women need to be like men to be strong. It would be](https://64.media.tumblr.com/fafef997ac2b57e953225b1bf8989530/8458660b3089bea2-cc/s512x512u_c1/24c773eb11b7d7d874bb2b7abf65b051bc75ef4a.jpg)
![glumshoe: puncromancer: just saw a post that shortened critical thinking to crit and boy when i read “y’all need to practice self-crit” i was mighty confused how you land a crit on yourself “roll to practice self-care” [crits] “in an attempt](https://64.media.tumblr.com/avatar_e9832846bfc7_128.png){kind=avatar}
