glumshoe
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glumshoe: hobbitry-in-arms: lokinne: gutterpunkvangogh: jewishlyriumghost: gravity-engineer: glumshoe: More Weird Shit I Found in the Woods™. Geometrically-challenged child cultists should have stuck with the triangles. Is this real life
glumshoe: kapriicious: mabgoblins: glumshoe: Don’t. We need you. The world needs you. We’ve been through this before, in one way or another, and we have prevailed. Who benefits from your death? Only those who want you silenced. There will
glumshoe:1226e: glumshoe: every time I see a glass eye I think about the time my friend’s mom picked me up before her daughter’s swim practice and as we drove down the highway she reached behind her and plopped her glass eye into my hand without
glumshoe: glumshoe: well, since you asked… FYI this was why I bought sixteen feet of magician’s silk streamers the other day.
glumshoe: hans-the-liesmith: glumshoe: I’m not gay but I think Dwayne Johnson could give a mean shoulder massage. I’m not straight but I also think Dwayne Johnson could give a mean shoulder massage. Reblog if you want Dwayne’s Gentle Meaty
glumshoe: glumshoe: What I say: “I’m touch-starved.” What you think I mean: “I need a hug.” What I truly mean: “I need someone to platonically lie across me with their full weight, crushing my body and providing deep pressure until my
glumshoe: dragonsinpanties: glumshoe: I hate coming across a decent post with good points and then scrolling down with the intent to reblog it, only to see postscripts and reblogs of “watch no [insert demographic] people will reblog this”. I mean,
glumshoe: glumshoe: My grandmother is a bitter old crab with nothing good to say about anything, but she does have a few good stories. She confronted the woman my grandfather had been cheating on her with - this other woman had no idea he was married,
glumshoe: glumshoe: My method of getting kids not to swear at camp was just to appeal to their sense of fairness. Child: “Fuck!”Me: “Hey! I’m not allowed to swear in front of you guys. It’s not fair if you swear in front of me, is it?”Child:
glumshoe: glumshoe: When I was in high school, I didn’t know how to come out to my childhood friend, so instead of telling her I’d started dating a girl, I instead claimed to have a “robot girlfriend”. For three months I kept telling her “robot
glumshoe: banashee: unlicenseddrsexymd: fieldbears: glumshoe: glumshoe: Dad kept hiding pine nuts in the pages of this magazine and letting Edgar root around for them. (Edgar cannot be released to the wild due to an injury. He now works as an
glumshoe: glumshoe: glumshoe: “I think the experience gap between a 19 year old and a 35 year old is too large to result in a healthy romantic relationship without a power imbalance,” I say. I pause. “But of course I’d date a 3,000 year old
glumshoe: wherehipposdrome: glumshoe: glumshoe: “Hey, I like this color and it looks great on me!” you say one day. Six years later you open your closet and nearly every shirt you own is the same shade of rusty red-orange. Help. SHIT. SHIT
glumshoe: adragon-slayer: glumshoe: be-our-221b-guest: glumshoe: in 2011 my friend was playing with my hair and I joked that my deactivation switch was hidden on my scalp and we both laughed a few moments later, he stroked the back of my head
glumshoe: glumshit: twink-privilege: the-macra: glumshoe: daywatch: glumshoe: Ways I have dealt with heartbreak: -standing on the bank of a river and throwing a silver locket into the water while weeping at age 12 -crying on the kitchen floor
glumshoe: glumshoe: glumshoe: my uncle -is allergic to chocolate -is physically incapable of laughter (it comes out as a hiss, like steam escaping a pipe) -has weird long vampire teeth -once led a chemical attack on some college students who had
glumshoe: glumshoe: 9h-de-lapres-midi: glumshoe: having handled marine animals I can assure you that there’s nothing sexy about tentacles Where do baby octopuses come from thenOh… wait… noooo in some species, a male octopus will rip off a
glumshoe: glumshoe: glumshoe: I’m suddenly laughing at the idea of a cliche noir detective story written in the brutally concise style of Hemingway. A woman walked into my office. She had legs. I noticed her legs. “I have a problem. I need your
glumshoe: carrotsforferrets: glumshoe: Me: “I’m going to grab some breakfast. Me: [returns five minutes later with a cup of coffee] Friend: “I thought you said you were getting breakfast!” Me: “Coffee has calories. It counts as food.” glumshoe,
glumshoe: codenamedutchess: glumshoe: codenamedutchess: glumshoe: Only not-straight nineties kids will understand. That comment is the dumbest thing I’ve read today. It’s a self-aware humorous riff off a meme, sweaty. Don’t call me sweaty.
glumshoe: succinctlysevered: glumshoe: glumshoe: the first person to fall asleep at my party gets tucked in and given some water in case they’re thirsty later also toast and/or eggs in the morning, because I love you, you sleepy bastard what about
glumshoe: glumshoe: glumshoe: “Thank you for lending us the services of your most advanced robot to date,” said the starship captain. “I must say, it took a while to get used to such an… unusual crew member, but she proved herself an invaluable
glumshoe: pinkprogram: glumshoe: glumshoe: Why do the different peoples of Middle Earth fight each other instead of bonding over their one shared value: building dangerous architecture without handrails? Like. Come on. Architects in Middle Earth are,
glumshoe: je-suis-letat: glumshoe: vorequeen420lolrandomxd: glumshoe: Cemetery forests would be great, if you could get them to work out ecologically. Not only would you have healthy, sustainable burials with physical markers to mourn at, you’d
glumshoe: glumshoe: glumshoe: looking back at your childhood and thinking “huh that was a kind of weird interaction” and suddenly realizing you were witnessing another child realizing their fetish for the first time In fourth grade I was friends
glumshoe: laughlikesomethingbroken: saltyshinysylveon: glumshoe: storgictrash: glumshoe: Today I was teaching my campers how to start a fire with flint and steel. As they grew increasingly frustrated, I mentioned that in a real survival scenario,
glumshoe: glumshoe: thebuttkingpost: bogleech: glumshoe: Aesthetic: 1950′s - 1970′s men’s adventure magazine “RANDOM ANIMALS RIPPED MY FLESH” covers. The best part is that they not only thought a ravenous swarm of turtles made sense for
glumshoe: glumshoe: glumshoe: My method of getting kids not to swear at camp was just to appeal to their sense of fairness. Child: “Fuck!” Me: “Hey! I’m not allowed to swear in front of you guys. It’s not fair if you swear in front of me,
glumshoe:tygermama:glumshoe:glumshoe:I’d like to get into making Bundt cakes. Every time I see a charming Bundt cake pan with weird shapes and scallops and indententions I am overcome with a sense that I could be the sort of person who makes fanciful
glumshoe: thisisabitofme: glumshoe: pishposh-haberdash: glumshoe: I’m glad that Indiana finally has its first national park and that it’s the one mostly known for having sand dunes that eat children. how, pray tell, does a dune eat A Child
glumshoe: frappuccinio: glumshoe: glumshoe: haha wow what was Superman doing in that phone booth with Clark Kent 👀 oh shit Kent left his clothes in there and kent didn’t come out when superman did. kent is gone…clothes left behind. superman
glumshoe: glumshoe: glumshoe: My roommate from Beijing is fascinated by English expletives and is asking about the most offensive terms we have. I tried to explain the difference between insulting swear words and offensive slurs, and he was delighted
glumshoe: strangelybeautifulworld: glumshoe: glumshoe: My method of getting kids not to swear at camp was just to appeal to their sense of fairness. Child: “Fuck!” Me: “Hey! I’m not allowed to swear in front of you guys. It’s not fair
glumshoe: fuckecheeses: glumshoe: glumshoe: “Relaxed straight”? What about “anxious gay”?! everyone who’s commented or messaged me about this has either been gay or a music major excited about Shostakovich I can’t tell if this is a
glumshoe: zinnia-apologist: glumshoe: queenofthefae: glumshoe:Clarification: is there a set, standard amount of time, such as “one second”, that a “measure” of music lasts…? I understand that “4/4 time” means “four beats per measure”,
glumshoe: acertainkindofscientist: glumshoe: acertainkindofscientist: glumshoe: fresh dads! cruelty-free dads! free-range, no GMOs, organic, fair-trade fathers! come and get ‘em while supplies last! Can I trade in a broken one? yes absolutely.
glumshoe: glumshoe: glumshoe: I like haunted houses in theory BUT I have no idea how to react when the actors speak to you. They ask me a question and I just… answer it… The scariest part of a haunted house is the unscripted social interaction.
glumshoe:thehighwayphantom-deactivated20:glumshoe:glumshoe:i’m a villain-coded gayI might not do anything actually malicious but from my aesthetics and mannerisms you just know I’m heavily implied to be evil So you’re Megamind? No, I’m canonically
glumshoe: glumshoe: glumshoe: Up until last year I thought the term was “Atomic Family” rather than “Nuclear Family” and my friends and parents just didn’t correct me for my whole life. I had it all. The American Dream: a mother, a
glumshoe:gallifreyan-gryffindor:glumshoe:cryoverkiltmilk:glumshoe:when I’m a baron OR a count OR a marquis I’m going to insist that my castle is only accessible via one long, narrow, twisting path that drops off into an abyss on either side Hand rails?NO.
glumshoe:glumshoe:glumshoe:As a child, I really thought I’d have more occasions to pour vats of boiling oil over unwelcome guests than I have.Can’t believe I spent so much of my life preparing myself psychologically for the day when I would stand
glumshoe:randomslasher:glumshoe:reblogging-dragon:glumshoe:Disclaimer: my hatred of geologists is purely theatrical, but if I did have to kill one for some reason, it would be very easy. I’d brandish my obsidian knife at them and they’d be compelled
glumshoe:great-distractions-deactivated2:glumshoe:lazyemisfandomtrash:glumshoe:another thing you should not do when visiting parks: bury your wallet off the trail and then forget where you put it it will not grow into a wallet tree and I will not be able
glumshoe: glumshoe: lesbian-with-adhd: what glumshoe: what do you call a sex club for ecologists A Climax Community texted this to my coworker and he never replied to me so I think I’ve burnt some bridges
glumshoe:glumshoe:glumshoe:stop asking me if Dune is good I eat pineapples and olives on my pizzas and make my hot cocoa with water… my opinion is not worth listening to YEAH it’s like… I want my friends to read it so that we can pick
glumshoe:bookshelves-overflowing:glumshoe:totesmgoats01-published-author:glumshoe:there’s a snake in my boot!why is this tagged “damocles”that’s my snake’s name! he’s got a little sword on the top of his head:IS EVERYTHING YOU OWN SWORD RELATED
glumshoe: noodlenoodlenoodlenoodle: glumshoe:theflashisgone: glumshoe:[goes door to door in a suburb like ‘have you heard the good word?’ but instead of religious pamphlets it’s native seed packets and information on backyard habitat restoration
glumshoe: glumshoe: theflashisgone: glumshoe:[goes door to door in a suburb like ‘have you heard the good word?’ but instead of religious pamphlets it’s native seed packets and information on backyard habitat restoration and alternatives to
glumshoe:vaporwavelich:glumshoe:glumshoe:I am still surprised by my own voice every time I shout. I always had a frail voice but after testosterone, I am able to shout in such a way that it feels like throwing a punch from my mouth and it hurts my own
glumshoe:beggars-opera:glumshoe:i-am-an-adult-i-swear:glumshoe:tedium is: shopping on behalf of local tax-exempt government when neither you nor the cashier know what you’re doing Good god I feel this deep in my bonesEverybody wants a Tax exempt form
glumshoe:glumshoe:glumshoe:I have to say… it’s very sexy to upload high resolution aesthetically pleasing research grade photos to iNaturalist with a Creative Commons No Attribution license oh baby is that a high res CC0 licensed photograph of
glumshoe:glumshoe:spottedspeck:glumshoe:admittedly I don’t know how horse coat genetics work but I still feel like the bigoted horse game has cheated me out of a handsome foal and cursed me with a naked slime baby Did… Did you spontaneously breed
glumshoe: ruthlesslistener: ghostingrose:glumshoe:lady-lizbian:glumshoe:my favorite scene in LotR as a kid was when Sam started miserably freestyling in the tower of Cirith Ungol and the only reason he ever found Frodo was because he deliriously tried
glumshoe:dzamie:glumshoe:glumshoe:a couple just passed me on horseback and without thinking I said aloud, “ahh, the smell of beasts” and heard the woman reply “what the fuck” from her perspective:Weird Al?this is just how I look
glumshoe: professorfreeky: glumshoe: talkativetiad: glumshoe: I dreamt that I compulsively started typing in bad Scottish and it really offended people but I couldn’t stop. It all started when I made a text post that said “I cannae get out ae
glumshoe: glumshoe: thedarkonessecretary: glumshoe: I dragged out my suit the other day so I could dress up and see how I looked in it without a binder, and my dad asked if I was going out to Le Monocle. I had no idea what he was referencing, which
![glumshoe: dragonsinpanties: glumshoe: I hate coming across a decent post with good points and then scrolling down with the intent to reblog it, only to see postscripts and reblogs of “watch no [insert demographic] people will reblog this”. I mean,](https://64.media.tumblr.com/504e71b52ac07bbb288e7446ea49ed6d/76c34f153bf7a78f-8a/s512x512u_c1/ac7d718586195062e5aef7eb79825f3bfcfbfd8d.jpg)
