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agenderreid: trying to ask my parents to help me with rent bc my job fucking sucks and cut tours this month (I was working 1-2 days a week all month) and it’s just such a bad feeling. I hate that I’m doing everything right. I’m getting into
talk about assault idk waking up is just weird at this point. I almost ask myself if I’m going to have something like that happen to me today, you know? I just. the whole thing was under such casual circumstances and now I’m just scared
Things are not really great right now. I dont really know what to do and I’m scared.
this is so silly but I broke out kind of bad and I’m really upset about it? I haven’t changed anything in my makeup routine and the only theory I can come up with is that the zits line up with where I rest the phone against my face when
moving on from this whole assault business is weird. bc now I’m not breaking down every two seconds, but I feel… nothing. I don’t feel positive or negative. I don’t want to try and have sex again, because I don’t
I witnessed a really fucked up thing at work today and I don’t know what to do (talks about robin williams and suicide) I didn’t hear any discussion about robin williams at work this morning, which was a little weird, but whatever. we were
things are getting really bad but if I talk to someone I’ll probably inadvertently out the person who assaulted me and hah… haaaaaaaaah. hah.
stares up at ceiling am I supposed to try and chase my old self from before the assault or form a new version of myself? I’m not trying to be profound here, I just have no idea. I lost a part of myself and don’t know if I should be mourning
midnitesurprise: greet the morning
I’ve also internalized that no one really wants to hear about anything I have to say, which sucks. I want to talk about my experience rereading chernow’s hamilton biography or my kids or fandom stuff and I just kind of go “stop talking
I’m doing pretty well on the putting up a decent front part, but hah hah this isn’t going to last it’s going to bottom out real quick because I’m trying to cope with a death but also trying to cope with the fact that this could
apportion: Sometimes you miss the memories, not the person.
I like to think of myself as doing pretty okay with the whole internalized ableism thing. There’s a lot of work-related stuff I need to work on (for example FUCKING TAKE A DAY OFF IF YOU WANT TO DIE WOW DONNIE) but today I actually had the thought
assault cw, nsfw text, tmi (overshare monday sorry) I think what really pissed me off about my assault, and still does really, is that I didn’t even have a great comfort level with sexuality before it happened. dysphoria fucked me up a lot and
hhhhhh h hhh hhhhh I can’t balance everything I know I could have a second job if I wasn’t so fucked up I know I could have all my dishes clean if I wasn’t so fucked up I know I could do this commute without complaining if I wasn’t
I’m putting so much heart and soul into this fic and it’s probably going to get like three kudos fuck
blinkpinkinc: lgbtlaughs: do you ever wonder which people in your life have used you as their “gay friend” in an argument? … fuck
nsfw text, mentioned after effects of assault etc I hate feeling broken. and there’s not really a reason to feel broken, but I still do. even having sex now is me going “I don’t react how I used to I don’t feel the way I used
I just had this wave of “I want to be a little bit normal goddammit!!!!!!!” today and oof I haven’t felt like that since high school.
talks about car accidents and fatalities, so like. don’t look at this post if that triggers you pls. hhhhhh just read a post about a person dying in a fatal car accident and a few weeks ago one of the teachers at my friend’s schools died
this is also probably working in tandem with the fact that I just slumped really fucking bad right now and I don’t even know how to cope hah hah so of course I’m going to just. be terrible and a mess. but also have it attack the parts
talks about #assault/exes I get so stressed out when I see a person like a whole bunch of my shit in a row. which is absolutely ridiculous. and yet I still get really stressed out, because it’s what they did and they assaulted me and the past
I love going through the t*es le*hes tag but it’s also making me nostalgic for when I was in a poly relationship uuuugh this is so ridiculous I have other poly ships, too, but this one is hitting me in that way what the heck
I hate when i can feel myself slipping into a bad place. Because I’m just kind of like “????? what do" I feel like an animal sensing a storm. I’m pacing around and there’s nothing yet, but it’s going to happen
supnoah: I regret opening up to some people and it just bugs me knowing there’s a few out there who didn’t even deserve to know me like that but do
hit one of those brick walls in which I’m just fucking angry about my ex, what they did to me, and the amount of money they owe my partner
I think what really sucked about this year for me, aside from the horrible current events, is that I did so much I should be proud of. I completed my master’s, survived going on interviews, and I got a teaching job. But no! This is the year
I actually have a meeting tomorrow morning with a parent, which I was discouraged enough over, because it is supposed to be done in 15 minutes and four teachers are supposed to speak during it. but now I’m like. not even interested in existing
I’m at a point where I want to want to be alive? I have kids to look after, a partner to watch come into their own, a birthday to celebrate, fics to finish, cons to go to stuff to do. But it never feels worth it enough and I feel so terrible
my birthday is going to get forgotten about and I’m not okay with it, but I accepted it? it happens a lot, because of it being so close to christmas (which probably explains why I am so caustic during this season, sorry), but I just wanted to
lmao mental illness confession: I’ve laid in my bed at random intervals of the day every day for 1-2 hours, because I don’t want to live and I am losing my ability to deal with that fact
ah so now I’m remembering how this friend would touch me without my consent repeatedly and I didn’t want to tell her to stop, because I knew touching people was a big deal for her. and how I’d feel the same burning sensation from it
Lmao did that whole wreckless driving with internal monologue of if I die who cares today I wish I could have stayed home.
everything I do feels like it’s not enough. I’m not being kind enough, I’m not being strong enough, I’m not reacting at the intensity I should. I don’t know what to do with the flashbacks. I don’t know what to do
I’m getting bad brains rn and I don’t know what to do about it anymore I’m so tired please kill me
I want to fucking die so badly right now, but it doesn’t matter nothing actually matters I can scream that into the void all I want, but nothing is going to change. everything is fucking shit.
I legit feel sick and like im going to have another panic attack this is hell please make this godforsaken holiday End or make my life end I want to fucking die.
so basically I had a panic attack earlier today and almost had one during dinner. the rest of the time I just felt bad/ill/stressed/panicked/whatever the fuck. I’m just. really freaked out and upset. because it was so long since I had physical
people are all talking at the same time and I’m getting the lightheaded shitty feeling again. oh my god why is the holidays so hazardous to my mental health?
I’ve actually been doing pretty well the past few weeks, probably because I’ve been doing a lot of visiting and all that. but this morning I had my throat catch and I remembered what I found out a few weeks ago and just. things felt weird.
lmao I just got mega triggered by the game gwyn was playing now I’m just like. welp. there goes all my productivity.
livalittletyler-deactivated2016: better people // better memories
toward the end of the the latest episode of cm and now it’s beginning to fuck me up ah hah hah (cw for sexual abuse) it’s just like. this whole monologue of how what someone did to you will slowly take away your smile and your interpersonal
demigirljoseph: I’m trying to watch Haikyu!! But its also making me think of my ex so its kind of making me feel like shit… lmao I can’t stop getting hung up about this. why the fuck did my ex assault me I just wanted to watch an innocent
that cm episode is still fucking me up ah hah I get that it’s totally normal and okay to be triggered and yet I still feel bad
saw a post in which my ex referred to asahi as relatable and that was enough to make me want to cry
I think what’s really frustrating about whatever my head is doing is that it’s sliding back to how I felt when I was in high school? the whole you’re hideous/nobody likes you/you’re fucking useless. and I’m sure it’s
can't get much gayer than that
things are getting even worse? they can’t get the pipes to stop freezing. my room isn’t set to be fixed until “sometime next week.” it’s very possible, considering the current cold weather, we will get more pipes breaking
I literally want to die and I feel like nobody really gives a shit? I mean, a few people do. but I’ve wanted to die nonstop for four days and just. haven’t gotten much support. I guess I’m fake and not really mentally ill which is cool?
lmao sudden wave of gender dysphoria coolI think I just keep getting into a weird funk because of cosplay-related stuff????? like I get really defeated, because there’s characters I’d really love to cosplay in earnest (maki, fuku, joseph)
A little knight music
sickfake:tbh i promised myself i’d stop making annoying angsty posts like this but here we are
so my mother called with my dad on speaker phone and here are some of the greatest hits:-“Stop crying!”-“Maybe if you lived at home during the school week, you could visit on the weekends” “What about rent-” “I
I slept on it and to be frank, I never want to speak to my parents ever again.I really don’t see the point. I should definitely wait until I have a full time job before I do anything permanent, but… what’s really stopping me, other
I think the reason why I don’t want to be alive anymore is because I don’t want to be a victim of abuse anymore. I’m so tired of reacting to things, because of my past abuse. I’m tired of not being able to handle people raising
I’ve been sitting around the past hour unable to pull myself out of the dream I woke up from and it’s just. bad. I’m checking phone conversations to try and figure out if I sent them or they happened in the dream.I also just kind
I had a day off from feeling intensely suicidal and then I woke up and was just like wow fuck being alive amirite!!!!please kill me I can’t do this anymore lmao!
Ah so I’ve felt some degree of suicidal for two weeks now and there was also the meltdown two or so weeks ago and I’m beginning to get worried like… Hah hah… This isn’t ending what the fuck do I do.
I’m probably having such a shit time because I’m nearing the date that I was going to attempt one year and it’s been officially a year since I was assaulted…but like. I’m going to be home alone during all this, so this is getting even worse.
