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just had that cripplingly awful moment remembering that so many fucking people left me, because I’m mentally ill. like……. I don’t even know how to conceptualize a recovery plan when I don’t have anyone at my side right
i can’t actually survive financially. i get some money from my parents, but I can’t physically have a job right now at the time that I will need to cover two rents. i just… i give up. nothing actually works out for me. i can’t
oh and if this one subletter is as good as it gets, I’m still going to have to pay partial rent for the other place the rest of the lease. i’m just i’m done. yeah. it’s over.
uuuugh I can’t even do writing commissions at the moment, because life. what am I going to do fuck
I can’t even do things that are fun correctly. I should just kill myself. I dont have any friends. I don’t have any hobbies that aren’t stupid. I’m worthless and nobody really reaches out when they see these posts anyway.
Rly nervous my so is visiting because jokes on them I’m a piece of shit that sleeps way too early that has zero game whatsoever.
yeah so like my parents gave me a little more money last month but like… not much. meanwhile, we thought we had two people to move in, but the mom is getting in the way and w e l p here goes another subletter down the fucking drain. so we might
ugh i’m so lonely i just wish i had one friend in particular. i just want to text her “hey remember when we went to that writing workshop and we met ned vizzini? what the fuck are we supposed to do as mentally ill people if he couldn’t
why did I even look at the page I don’t want to talk to them ever again why am I smothering myself with this pain at this point
i’m driving way too many people away to really think it’s any one’s fault but my own. problem is, i don’t even know how the fuck i could fix this about me.
i matter so little to some of my exfriends that they don’t even have me on facebook anymore. I’m not even worth someone trying to passively check up on. I know that they’ve been shitty to me. I know that they will probably never speak
Does anyone here who’s trans go through phases where you really can’t look at yourself in the mirror because you dont look at all like you want to? Because that’s happening to me rn and its not good
why am I watching Silver Linings Playbook? Why do I want to make myself feel terrible about the portrayal of mental illness in film? Also, the main character being a teacher who was trying to manage an undiagnosed mental illness is way too real for
I saw a picture of my ex-housemate on instagram and it was sucha fucking kick in the teeth for me. there are people in the world that think she’s great. there are people in the world that think she’s nice. there are people in the world that
still really fucked up over seeing a picture of an ex friend on Instagram two days ago ………………………………………….. god bless
I’m a week into the semester and I already had to pull the “I have an undiagnosed mental illness and it makes being a student really hard!!!!!!” card. I’m a fucking disaster please kill me.
my professor accepted my fumbling apology, so there is that. he says that I’m a great contributor and will continue to be, regardless of things like this. so that’s comforting.
I can’t tell if it’s worth contacting a few people and just be like “hey are we still friends? if we’re not can I please defriend you from everything and move on?” but last time I did anything like that I was “giving
is there going to be a time that I don’t feel absolutely destroyed by what’s happened the past few months? i just want this to end.
where’s the point where I lose so many people that I just become a robot? it’ll make things a lot easier.
life is great there’s flyers all over campus for an event featuring pictures of the housemate that drove me out of my old apartment. I feel so wonderful about being alive you don’t even know………….
how do you deal with being haunted constantly like this? i don’t feel safe wandering around on campus unless i’m with someone. and now i turn my head and everywhere i look her image is just every fucking where. i don’t know hat to do
i had a group project that i was supposed to present with people from the dance program on wednesday and LO AND BEHOLD THEY DROPPED OUT THIS WEEKEND, BECAUSE THE CONTENT WAS TOO DIFFICULT FOR THEM. So now I’m just really confused, having intense
Im so fucked up and lonely that I’m getting upset over too cute because it features the breed of dog an (ex?) Friend owns.
going to see kyary in concert tomorrow and I should be excited, but I’m too busy having anxiety about seeing my ex housemate yayyyyyy
i can’t stop thinking about relapsing rn this is so great what’s the point I’m already dead whether my body is sick or I’m just fucked up whateverrrrr
I’m so resentful of people who can just take a day off my brain is just constantly processing information even when I try to rest my brain is going “you’re resting resting reSTING WHY ARE YOU RESTING 3289472394UWQIEHSKFH” and I
I’m not even triggered over this btw. If that makes anyone feel better. I’m just… very upset. It reminds me about how unsafe I can be if I talk about my experiences with SI with the wrong people. And I know Morgan wouldn’t
hums softly and tries to think of gentle headcanons because fuck fuck fuck I can’t do this I can’t be a person I’m trying to do schoolwork and I’m freaking out and I just want to sleep forever, because why bother
took awhile but I can finally initiate touching, which is cool. I’m still not totally comfy being close to people that aren’t my SO at the moment, because when people touch me I get this weird burning sensation where they touch me. It’s
I’m achy and I can feel my head going to a bad place this is bad this is badbadbadbadbad
ahhh this is so fucking ridiculous I went through so much fucking shit and I am graduating and it’s going to be like a 3.8 or some shit this is great but no my brain is not able to look past this
cm spoilers god at one point after the episode I was sobbing, then laughing at myself for sobbing, while I was hissing, “everyone leaves him” now I realize why I connect to reid so much because everyone leaves fuck
how to get a master’s and alienate people aka “I think I drove everyone away, because I focused on my education and now I don’t know what to do”
Sees own gender identity being mocked in someone’s mish mosh of ~tumblr sj bullshit identities~ Mmmm… I wonder… if they knew… I identified as such?????
nothing ignore this I guess five months ago I loved someone so much I spent money I didn’t have to go across the country and visit them now they’re essentially a stranger to me I just feel like I am such a horrible person everyone will leave
a bloo bloo bloo I finally cleaned out my likes relating to my ex. who I can now comfortably refer to as my ex. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get actual healing from them relating to waht they did to me. but I can at least start behaving
I’m not doing well and I know the logical step is “talk to someone,” but I’m so scared to let someone in. the people i’ve let in have assaulted me and abandoned me and assumed I was too much trouble and I don’t know
might break my no-buy because I feel terrible and used up and I deserve nice things no matter what this person says about me.
so apparently the train that I need to get to work doesn’t actually start running until 8:20 am. ………and school starts at 8:10. meaning, I have to get on a train at 4:49 to transfer twice between one train and two buses to get
I was doing really good this week, but of course the moment I have down time I just feel that kick in the stomach of oh. right. that thing happened to me. I still feel broken from that and no professional success can fix that.
I feel so terrible about how cagey and guarded I’ve become. I should be texting people, arranging to meet with people, hell, actually logging on to Skype. Something. But. the thought of opening up to people is very daunting for me at this
still ffelin’ not great mmmmaaaaaaa fuckkkkkkkk I just keep thinking about all the things I can’t do, because of my brain, and that’s not fun at all.
the weather’s getting colder and all I can think about is how this time, last year, I had two pairs of hands. two bodies. two directions of kind words being able to hold me in place. I miss the sensations, but I will not miss you. I will still
hhhhhh I’m really freaking out rn fuuuuck turns out my ex-best friend is moving back to her parent’s place? which is like. within walking distance of the school I work at. and I’m just. feeling physically ill thinking about it.
I spent about four hours in my car today due to rain-related traffic. When I went into town I ended up seeing my ex-best friend’s sister, which was legitimately terrifying. I also stayed after school for a meeting about standardized testing,
I fell asleep for two and a half hours and I feel even worse? that’s great.
I’m realizing how inadequate I am at my job, because it’s part-time. I can’t support my students at the capacity I want to and I’m just so fucking pissed off. I hate that I’m not working at the level I want to. I hate
Today has not been a good day then again I don’t really have good days so. Its whatever I guess.
lmao why am I trying to go out tonight I really just want to curl up and cry or be self destructive, because I can’t produce anger right now. I’m not angry. I don’t really feel anything and that’s usually the sign that I’m
I know this shouldn’t be an indicator of how ~depressed I am right now, but I tried to take a shower and like ~cleanse myself or whatever and I was so upset I just kind of stood in there with a chunk of my hair still covered in shampoo for a few
I’m so discouraged by what I’ve heard about the new h*bbit movie I might go back to agenderreid way earlier than I anticipated…
I’m at this point where I kind of want to write something ~inspired by my recent events, but to be honest? this is hell. this is absolutely horrible. I don’t even want to put a fictional character through what I’m going through
I feel hideous rn and its really bad I usually am fine with looking very Italian but other than that whatever but I’m breaking out and I don’t look like how I want and things are not great rn
everything is awful and it’s not even my profession life or anything like that! I’m just a hideous self destructive piece of shit who is legitimately damaged goods this is terrible I am terrible fuck!!!!!!
also I kind of entirely dissociated while running homeroom yesterday? I didn’t realize it until kids pointed it out. I’m actually really scared about the New and Weird things my brain comes up with.
I was going to make a post and go “hm, why is it that my mental illness has gotten so horrible the past few weeks?” bc I’ve been having a lot more hallucination-y stuff and being absolutely convinced that I was not real/people hate me,
watching hq keeps being hard sometimes and I don’t even know why. I get scared of liking the same ship or character as my ex, which is ridiculous. but at the same time it’s too close for me. on the bright side, it sounds like they didn’t
I’m trying to figure out if I should drop hq bc it makes me feel like shit. I actually got upset that my partner put it on without asking me today, bc I keep getting freaked out of having any mutual interest as my ex. and it’s ridiculous,
I feel so shitty over this bullshit what the fuck I just want to be normal for one fucking second
