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theonion: Did You Know?
theonion:Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’ WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual
theonion:Did You Know?
theonion:LOS ANGELES—Signaling a dramatic shift in public opinion, a new report released Monday by the Entertainment Research Council revealed that more Americans than ever are willing to accept a female Wonder Woman. “Our poll shows that a record
theonion: Little Caesars Marketing New Marshmallows ’N’ Gravy Pizza Directly To President DETROIT—Touting the menu item as perfect for “commander-in-chief-sized cravings,” Little Caesars this week launched an extensive marketing campaign for
theonion:THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan. “It seems like such a fascinating culture,
theonion: Babbling, Grinning Mitch McConnell Demands EMTs Loading Him On Stretcher Vote Yes On Healthcare Bill WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling
theonion: When Lindsey Graham and I released our healthcare bill earlier this month, we knew it would elicit a full-throated response. Citizens across this country are deeply concerned about such an important issue, and these days, you simply can’t
theonion: PT Boat Sent Up Overgrown, Booby-Trapped Potomac River To Find Deranged John Kelly WASHINGTON—Staring out at the thick, foreboding jungle, a covert military intelligence unit sailed their patrol boat up an overgrown, booby-trapped stretch
theonion:Nude Aides Huddled Around Trump Assure Him No One Wearing Wire
Pet Researchers Confirm 100% Of Owners Who Leave For Work Never Coming Back WASHINGTON—Announcing their findings amongst a series of whimpers and yelps, pet researchers confirmed Friday that 100 percent of owners who leave for work are never coming
theonion:NEW YORK—Saying that even the most upbeat tunes could bring one down under the right conditions, newly single sources told reporters Monday that any song can be sad if it has sad memories attached to it. “Sometimes the songs that used to
theonion:CHICAGO—Worrying that he could be caught off guard anywhere, at any time, area man Dan Moritz on Friday was reportedly afraid some woman might come out of the woodwork to hold him accountable for something. “I’m honestly starting to get
Obama Sinks Family Savings Into Developing Presidential Tabletop Game WASHINGTON—Saying the financial risks and hours of hard work would pay off in the long term, former president Barack Obama revealed Thursday that he has sunk his entire life’s
theonion:WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about a potentially disastrous scandal, President Trump reportedly confided to White House officials Friday that he was terrified that his sexual assault victims would someday come forward. “I’m seeing all
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doctornsara: doctornsara: Uncensored footage of my wife beating some meat. (She is making Chaliapin steak like they did in Food Wars) Make a bunch of shallow cuts in Xs all across the meat, and then slather it with onions. Then let it sit and let