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This is one of those mornings where it would have actually been nice to not be able to feel my legs as they really hurt :(
really wish I could explain the thing my eyes are doing because while “kaleidoscope” sort of could put things in the ballpark, nothing could describe the randomness of that I am seeing.
Been home for a while. Kinda sad everything is over but relieved that I can rest!!!
I think today I talked with the most strangers I ever have. I had actual conversations with people, and while the average length was about a minute, They were still real conversations. I’m not sure why I cant easily do things like this for myself
Overly broken down thoughts about Connecticon: Well, Connecticon was my first ever convention. It messed around with me a bit due to the fact that I was meeting up with people I hadn’t met before, and also being around 9998859558484484939 people
I should probably get out of bed but everything hurts. Thats what I get for not being active then suddenly walking the equivalent of miles every day for 3 days. Losing 5lbs over that same 3 days probably wasn’t too good for me either although I
I still really haven’t processed everything I did this weekend. I don’t know why, but it feels like it was almost only a dream. I have pictures I took and even came across a picture of myself in the tags but that’s still not completely
My motivation for getting out of bed it that I remembered there is a loaf of french bread sitting on the counter downstairs and I haven’t eaten anything in about 17 hours.
And the Highlight of my day/night: Taking out the trash! After bagging up all the paper and washing out the last of the cat food cans in the sink and empty alcohol bottles I find the car is too far over in the garage to get the trash cans past so I get
Listening to video game music and driving fast are fun. Especially listening to Mario Kart 64 music. Rainbow Road when driving down a road called Rainbow Road and the Highway theme when doing 110 blasting down the highway weaving between cars and trucks
It was a good day. I was very calm today, work was really light and easy for a change, and I’ve felt really safe overall. granted it is technically now tomorrow, but I don’t care.
It sucks bad enough when I’m freaking out over stuff, but its really not fun when you’re calm, collected,relaxed and just thinking about how stupid and useless you really are. Especially when you can rationalize reasons to do very stupid
Well, I guess I should be happy I had a good week up until now. I’m back to “flipping” back and forth between ok and not ok again. I’m thinking its about time to try to not exist for a while. I should take advantage of my bed while
I wish I had someone to sleep with. I don’t mean to sleep with like that, but just someone to maybe cuddle up with and actually go to sleep next to. Maybe they even have their arms around me to let me know I’m safe. Not going to happen ever
Today is not a good day. I’m still upset from last night and everything hurts especially my back and shoulder. It doesn’t help I kinda want to do something stupid as well.
Holy shit!!
That moment when you wake up after like 2 hours of sleep and have to use the bathroom really bad but you cant feel your legs so you kinda just numbly stumble to the bathroom but you feel like you’re floating through the air and not walking
Bed. I hope its restful. The last 3 nights have not been good, and my thoughts when I wake up have not been good either. I’m really getting tired of this vivid sexual stuff.
I just love remembering how pathetic and useless I am.
suddenly I feel so exhausted. My back really hurts again, and I just remembered how pathetic I am.
its 8:53am and I feel like garbage. I realized that I could get up and watch Pokemon and felt a little better for a moment because I always miss it now but then I realized by the time I could fall down the stairs (cant feel my legs, what else is new?)
my brain: “remember all these terrible things you did when you were younger. Shame you weren’t caught ecause you’d still be in prison” Me: Can u nOT? Its bad enough knowing that if anyone ever found out, I could still go to prison
Tonight has been my most active night EVER. I go for days without getting a single message and tonight I got 2 messages simultaneously not onece but TWICE. The first time I almost panicked over seeing a “2” (LOL Bender “I thought I
Decided to go on a bike ride (got my tire fixed finally) Went to put a load of laundry in the washer before I left and was greeted by a nasty smell from the washer. Looks like I left a load of clothes in there since Tuesday and forgot about it. And that
I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago. I have somewhere I have to be tomorrow. I’m in bed now though (laptop mode engaged). Nothing feels as good as wrapping yourself in Pokemon sheets. Even though I know the monsters CAN get me even when hiding
My alarm didn’t go off for some reason. I have like 15 minutes until I’m supposed to leave to go to a work thing (yep on my day off). As usual, I can’t feel my legs. I’m gonna chance it cause I need food before I leave. hopefully
There are 3 people that I follow I want to try talking to that I don’t know but I am way too nervous, and I feel like too much of an annoyance to try. Sure I could say “Hi” but what else after that? I’m to stupid to have any sort
Its 6am, and I’m drunk dressed like Ash Ketchum. Nothing new here but i kinda almost feel like i’m hot. I’d rather see other hot people dressed like Ash Ketchum though. people that would enjoy being naked around me except for Ashes Kanto
I just almost got really upset because I couldn’t find my ash gloves because I suddenly needed something on my hands. luckily I found them before I got way more upset than would have healthy.
I like wearing my Ash Ketchum gloves. Its like two little hugs for my hands.
I guess I should be lucking the fact that the only thing that I can say is triggering for me is being stuck with a needle, especially for bloodwork. It brings up things that are seriously not fun. seeing pictures isn;t bad though. Its more controlled.
Oh, thats why. after scrolling through my posts last night i realized its because deep down, I’m a fucking sicko. I’m used to thinking about that inside where no one can see, but it looks like some things made it out last night. I guess its
I hate feeling like I don’t deserve to talk to people. Some times I get so upset I even feel like I don;t deserve to be online around people even If I’m not interacting with them.
Work. I am REALLY nervous. nott looking forward to tonight :(
I’m not even drinking because I didn’t feel like it which is really out of charater for me on a friday night/saturday morning. Its 4am and I cant sleep. I hate being a pathetic loser that cant handle a little bit of stress for a few weeks.
Spent most of the time I’ve been awake outside working on stuff then went out to eat with my best friend. feeling a little better I guess but still exhausted.
Well, I did something stupid. I;m just going to go and try not to exist for a while.
One of the few things that makes me feel a little less shitty when I;m not happy is video game music, especially Pokemon music.
why is it that I get so scared to talk to people? even if I know them and even online? Its not like I’m face to face with them and I’m in a quiet, safe place. Not to mention I have all the time in the world to say something. Its not like If
also, I appreciate the 2 or 3 of you (idk I was pretty out of it an may have responded with something stupid) that were nice enough to check up on me the other day but really I’m not important or anything so theres no reason to waste time on me.
I guess I’m drunk enouhg to not care about posting this
I’ve been up for like 15 minutes and I’m ready to go back to bed.
Well, I just found out what happens when you accidentally touch your knuckles to a 220F exhaust header for a car. feels good man
I burned my hand by accident… That’s the only noteworthy thing I’ve done in the past couple weeks.
Its 3:30Am, I havent showered yet, I have a bunch of errands to do tomorrow, and I’m going to go for a walk to smoke a cigarette and drink a beer. Gonna wear wear a Pokemon shirt too because I’m just that badass.
First post ever from a mobile device!!! I feel so empowered and yet so alone. Its kinda nice though. Really quiet out here.
My leg hurts. Time to turn around :(
got home a little while ago then had some cereal. Gonna pass out in a little bit. My leg still hurts. Its right in the top of my right thigh.
I just got home from McDonalds and there was just this random pair of shoes outside facing the glowing “M” logo and I decided it was probably not a good idea to look directly at it in case I got disintegrated or vaporized or something
I was going to make a post about not being tired but now that I’m laying in bed I’m starting to feel tired. I gueuss tas a good thing as I’m overthinking again
I got so upset at work last night I forgot how to count to seven.
Work. Glad that theres a long weekend because I have been really stressed out lately.
Just got home from work. Its been a stressful week. Time to unwind a bit by scrolling 80 pgs of dash, then doing some crazy adult analytical work stuff.
I wrote up a whole list of things to discuss next week at work on Tuesday. Its time for me to stop being a baby and being intimidated by how big our new building is and to try to show people what I’m capable of.
Time to celebrate. Gonna crack a beer and chug some JD then jump in the shower!!
I’m going to fix all the issues by the next weekend after this one. 4 days to get some of these new procedures in place!!! Hell, I should go for the good stuff, I’m breaking out the fireball whiskey!!!
..well maybe fix is a bit of an overstatement. I mean I’m going to minimize some of the issues at work!!!
I;m still gonna go for the fireball though!!! Its 422am and IDC that its late!! I chugged a 20oz red bull before work and its strangely hasn’t worn off yet. probably because I haven’t been drinking energy drinks lately
My Ash ketchum gloves make things feel better. They seem a bit loose these days though :( My hands need proper hugs
Thpughts of ash make me feel safe.
