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self therapy
I'm a bit confusing
self acceptance
fucking crossroads
journaling. also body finctions
im usually a very rational person. usually. but certain times i just lose it. for no apparent reason. and like food. i get so indecisive sometimes. like don’t eat that, it’s not healthy. and the other side of me is like but don’t go
i can’t do thisI’m not ready for this, but let me pretend. i know i can’t do this, but i can’t make it end. i was born this way, of that i’m convinced. and because of that all my life i have been on this fucking fence. i want to be held.
i also wanted to talk about some old journal entries. wow. i don’t know where all that dark shit came from. i’m so much happier now. i was just really… not in a good place i guess. i still feel like the tree hitting the house was the
damnit my head is a vicious little shit sometimes. i really wish i hadn’t read all my old journals because it got that crap back in my head. i don’t feel like i can trust myself. i just want to sleep and forget about today. it was a great
im a crappy person i wan’t trying to be mean to mom but i just feel like constricted, trapped anxious i feel like crying and she was taking her sweet little time telling a long story and she didn’t really need me she just wanted to tell me
mom wants me to go driving lout and about and the directions she printed make no sense and it make me want to hurt myself and cry. i feel stressed from this and i’m trying NOT to do anything bad. i was feeling so good today but now i just feel like
On break at work
Today has been a fucked up mess in some ways and in others, just another ordinary day, which is a sad thing to realize. This will hopefully be posted just after midnight tonight because Tumblr is a very numbing and friendly experience such that I hit
my day at home: or worrying people (and myself)
Dipping into hell
train wreck coming into the station?
10/17/14:roller coaster going up
10/28-29/14 double day ramblings
my mind has been in the shit hole today. i guess a car accident is an excuse enough. the thing is usually, i hold on to how temporal the bad feelings are and today, i didn’t feel any of that. i have just felt terrible. i know, i was in an accident
just got a call to set up my appointment for next wednesday’s counseling session. this will be my third introduction to a new person through these services, but this one is a guy. and also not a grad student. i gave them my entire wednesday and
i understand the logic, i just can't fucking help my emotions
The last few hours’ events have left me at a crossroads. Thankfully, at least it is a different crossroads than I am used to pondering, but I never made a solid decision on that metaphor either now did I? I probably won’t write too much as I am tired
1/6/15: train wreck
myotherthoughtsblog:Read More something i wrote after work earlier today. i wound up not talking with my parents tonight. i just feel out of words. the dove was begging me to talk to them again tonight. i just don’t know what more i can say at
2/2-3/15: spinning, chaos, argh
I hope that worked. If not, heres a trigger warning. I broke again today. I didnt cry, but i havent hit myself all year until today. I’ll be blunt about it. At first it was just a quick hit at my neck, not fully thinking. I just made a mistake
Dear mom
feeling so fucking torn today weight wise. just flipped through an older story sand the narrator described how his thighs were bigger than his waist used to be and it just sounds so erotic. i wish my thighs could be that big, but at the same time, I have
2/16-19/15: reflections on my mind
yindy:Feeling really shitty today. I dont really feel like it matters because it cant be fixed. Cried earlier. Just want to go back to sleep. Work is fucking stupid today. My coworkers are arguing with my boss (stupidly, and one refused to bag up my fries
2/20-21/15:working on it...
Again? I hate when i do this shit, i hate having to tell the dove that i slipped again, and this just fucking hurts. I just have to fight not to do anything else… why the fuck does this place bring out the worst in me?
2/23-25/15:all of the above
2/26/15: umm...
trigger warningWell shit. I broke, slipped whatever. I havent hit myself as much as i just did in a very long time. I cant take this. I give up. I pushed mom away because i cant be honest with them, they make things worse and i dont care. I was struggling
2/27/15: help for the self and the friend
3/4-6/15: Imminent
Fuck why does so much of what we discuss keep coming back to this same damn issue. I hate it. I know why. I just hate it. And yes, it’s because I am afraid to talk to my parents. Namely my stepdad who says its hormones/ because I stopped going to church/
4/8-9/15
Got my fitness test just now. Pretty much what I was expecting. Poor back flexibility, average for most things. Biceps strength (apparently the only factor they measure for strength) is at 55 pounds. I chose not to have previous tests set next to this
to know what it maddeever get the urge to do something unsafe or taboo? this isnt about anything mentally dark i promise you. this is a bout a walk out on some back road off campus and coming across a dead opossum. i was looking for the lake i had heard
on the youtube drama
I suppose I should write now. A lot has happened this weekend. School is problematic. I’m not on track like I thought I was. I fucked up there. But I don’t want to talk about that. My grandmother passed Friday night. I drove down late
This has been a weekend of tragedy. A youtuber was publicly murdered in front of fans. It was premeditated. I didn’t know her but the community I love does. I wonder how I would react if it was the Defranco family, the green family, boogie’s
myotherthoughtsblog: I fear death a lot more. I think this is progress. I stopped letting it be my escapist fantasy. I want to live rather than being indifferent. For a while I was. Or did I just tell myself that, like how my whole life I don’t care
Need to study and should probably do some exercise before work. Eat lunch. But all I want to do is lay down and do nothing. I stayed up till almost 1am last night. Just on my phone waiting to feel tired enough for sleep. Woke up at 7:15 because I was
I still don’t know how to feel. I knew I needed to mention Sunday night to the doc and I did. She said I sound depressed but then immediately jumped to considering mess. But I don’t know how sure infeel about that. Not that there’s
Ah fuck. My brain still doesn’t handle weight well. Today was good. I saw an interesting art exhibit on our complex relationship with food. And out of curiosity I checked my weight on my highly inaccurate scale and it usually is lower than the
can these sh urges stop? im able to resist but it seems to come back the past day or two. i have a theory that exercise assuages it but i havent worked out since thursday. the plan is to go to the gym after class today and do some cardio since i havent
