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“Leave the wall alone. If you’re bored, I’ll gladly take a pounding from you.”
“If convenient, meet me in my bedroom. If inconvenient, come anyway.”
“If we were at a restaurant together, I wouldn’t deny that you were my date.”
“If you’d let me, I’d twiddle you all day and night.”
“If you think my cheekbones are prominent, just wait until you see the bone in my pants.”
“I never want to say ‘LATERZ!’ to you.”
“I’d like to get some from you… And I’m not talking about cigarettes.”
“I’d like to get a double room in Dartmoor with you.”
“I would drink your coffee even if the sugar was drugged.”
“My dick is so huge, my doggy style is referred to as Baskerville Hound style.”
“My chemical defect for you could never put me on the losing side.”
“So, you’ve got a boyfriend then? I’ll have you either way. It’s all fine.”
“I’d hit that 1895 times.”
“It’s a good thing I find breathing boring, because you take my breath away.”
“I regret deleting the solar system, because you are out of this world.”
“I’ll be the knife and you be the Cluedo board: Let me pin you against the wall.”
“Do I want to see some more of you? Oh, God yes.”
“I would chase you all over London even if my limp wasn’t psychosomatic.”
“I would take your hand even if we weren’t handcuffed fugitives.”
“Shall we play doctor? Army doctor, that is.”
“You are really my area.”
“I would dress for you the way I dress going to Buckingham Palace.”
“I’d go on a second date with you even if we got kidnapped by Chinese smugglers during our first.”
“Oh, so the Internet thinks you look like an otter? Well, I think you otter be in my bed.”
“How about you get off of that phone and let me show you how much fun we can have in the back seat of this car?”
“We’re so domestic, people are even shipping our mugs.”
“I can’t take my eyes off of you… No, really. I can’t. It’s for an experiment.”
“When I told you to take my card, I meant my V-card.”
“If you’re a hedgehog, can I be your hedge?”
“I suggest we do that thing where two people who like each other go out and have fun.”
“I would ‘coordinate’ with you and a pair of handcuffs in a dark alley anytime.”
“I’d wait for you even if you kept me as long as Mofftiss kept the Sherlockians.”
“I like your strong moral principle and nerves of steel, and that’s not just the shock talking.”
“I want to express my love for you in every possible variant available to the English language.”
“Mrs. Hudson, are you trying to seduce me?”
“You are more indispensable than my homeless network.”
“Let me be your Action Man. Your brother won’t be able to break me.”
“I want to grow old, retire, and study bees with you.”
“You know, I’ve got a phone. I mean, very clever and all that, but you could just booty call me. On my phone.”
“You know what they say about big feet? Well, just call me Carl Powers.”
“I would never chase some killer while trying to get off with you.”
“Are you my blogger? Because I’d be lost without you.”
“Of course we won’t be needing two bedrooms.”
“I don’t care about your intermittent tremor– I just wanted an excuse to hold your hand.”
“I don’t need a good coat and a short friend to look ‘tall,’ if you get what I mean.”
“I wish Mike Stamford would introduce us.”
“You make me so giddy, I’m giggling even at crime scenes.”
“I would come to your flat even if I was on the other side of town and it could be dangerous.”
“When I’m retired and studying bees, will you be my honey?”
“Sometimes you don’t talk for days on end? That’s fine. I can give you something else to do with your mouth.”
“I’d love to get under your sheets. Especially if you were still wearing them.”
“I was Wats-off, but then you turned me Wats-on.”
“I enjoy my jumper collection, but I’d much rather have you on my body instead.”
“If your flatmate punched you in the face, I would kiss it better.”
“Are we doing it? Have we done it?”
“I noticed you’re wearing a deerstalker. May I be your dear?”
“Don’t worry if I shout ‘Damn my leg!’ My third leg is still perfectly functional.”
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“I’d let Angelo put a candle on our table.”
“I like your purple shirt. How’d you like to see my red pants?” (Thank you so much to andrisbiedrins for sending the screencap. I couldn’t find any images of Martin Freeman wearing red bottoms except as Arthur Dent, and apparently
