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I’m not suicidal in the, “at risk” way. I’m too much of an optimist, and have too vivid an imagination when it comes to all the possible pain that the options available might cause. It sounds morbid and all, and I guess it is, but in my mind,
In a weird twist of events, I’m going to be hooked up in an IV lounge for the next two days. Weird because forward progression is a rare thing in my life. What that means is that I’m probably going to continue being way too trashed to go over 81 (the
lindowyn replied to your post: In a weird twist of events, I’m going to be hooked…IV lounge? yikes. Hope everything works out. :/Sounds scarier than it is.That’s a complete lie, but no, seriously, the IV lounge part is totally chill. They ran
I am due to be on vacation by the middle of tomorrow. Part of what vacation means to me is being as far away from the internet as humanly possible, so, my usual posting activity will not resume until sometime around next weekend.It’s okay if you don’t
The good news is that if you’re fourteen floors up, it is nearly impossible for Lake Tahoe to look anything but glorious.The bad news is how many times I made that observation while cooped up in my hotel room. There should be some sort of rule that
I finally feel like writing fanfic again, and none of my current fandoms are sparking anything. At all. I don’t know which part of that I want to complain about, but I felt that the internet should know that I do not approve.
Here is what Giants baseball is like. With the most reliable pitcher we’ve got, we’re down three runs in the top of the second.By the bottom of the eighth, we’ve made up two.By the end of the eighth, we’re in the lead with five runs.The first
What I have learned after a few days of playing Overwatch is that I am astoundingly incompetent, I have no idea how to fix it, and the game is addicting enough that I’m terrified of accumulating enough experience points that people will be tricked into
The problem with having multiple days scheduled where I absolutely should not trust myself to do anything is that I have to prepare for them.This becomes more of a problem when you realize that the reason for spending those days out of commission is a
On the one hand, the responsible thing to do in light of organ pain is probably. like. something. Blood test if nothing else.On the other, this regimen is going away in two days, and freaking out, or having people around me freak out, over results that
-is suicidal and angry again-Yeah, this is probably not good. Fuck.I honestly do not understand at this point why God hasn’t just killed me off. I mean, if this life is transient, forever destined to be some degree of miserable because humans are without
I’m always pretty embarrassed when things are bad enough that I feel a need to talk about it, because usually at that point, moderation takes a backseat to unleashing a can of pure yikes.But what sticks around more in the aftermath is how incredibly
Today is the twelfth anniversary of me being sick. That’s half my life.I don’t know how to feel about it. I’ve been doing this long enough (obviously) to know that I can feel however I want, but I mostly feel empty, and maybe a little hurt.It’s
There is no concrete hope surrounding any of my medical adventures and I hate my life. My current purpose is basically to keep coming up with reasons not to kill myself until I don’t want to be dead.Which, fine, whatever, I guess that’s the only thing
Aaand I’m back to the level of health where thinking is a serious problem.When I told my doctor I thought taking the nuclear approach for the next few months was my best bet, part of me was hoping that the predicted hell wouldn’t happen.
My expert level challenge for this week is not collapsing in bed for the rest of the day after going outside.This is worth a post because whenever I complain about something, the universe likes to prove that I shouldn’t have been.
I keep staring at my inbox and not being able to come up with words. I can’t tell which side of my dysfunction is making this a problem.
I do not like the days where I ask myself why I feel so terrible and the answer is that the predicted consequences of my actions actually happened.Self-control is that thing for other people, right?
I don’t know what kind of cry for help watching dubbed Naruto on Netflix is, but I feel mostly secure in asserting that it is one.
My doctor suggested cutting back on treatment before I got driven into a corner and couldn’t do any of it anymore. Good idea. So the best way to decide what to cut out then is to identify the main psychological stressors, then remove them.And that was
My usual response to stress is to bottle it up until it explodes in a suicidal rant in the middle of the night that mostly accomplishes worrying people. In the spirit of trying a little harder, I thought maybe I’d talk about one of my problems of the
Fun fact that isn’t so fun: Today is the day I recognize as the anniversary of getting sick. So today I’ve officially been sick for thirteen years. Under usual circumstances, I grant myself permission to blow everything off and mope. I figure that
I think it used to be simpler. Wanting to be dead and gone because of soul-crushing depression is just empty and sad. Empty and sad doesn’t make my brain go worse places.Now there are these flashes of pure rage and hatred, and I just want to fucking
I sure do love watching my health deteriorate while all of the potential helps are unreachable thanks to psych problems.It wouldn’t be so bad (that is a lie), except that was where I was the last time I talked to the doctor I have to talk to in the
Take #… I don’t know, it’s honest feelings time in lieu of scheduling therapy. Again, yay.This I might really delete fast, since it has to do with fandom.I’m not looking forward to season three.My emotional state sucks right now. I can’t
How the fuck do people deal with anger?Hurting myself is the thing my mind jumps to with it, and I can’t really do that. I mostly don’t think I’m going to kill myself, but then there’s my temper, and my inability to deal with it, and I can see
I just want to shoot myself in the head. I know it’s the depression talking, I know I know I know, but the depression is all there fucking is lately. There’s too much anger and pain, and I just want to die. None of the happy things stay happy. Most
Okay. Let’s try this again. But healthy-like.…Which, since it’s me, means religious stuff. I understand if reading about how I want to blow my brains out is easier to stomach.Things are bad, but not insurmountably bad. I have a solid support
My physical pain is competing with my emotional pain to see which can rob me of my will to live faster. Emotional has an unfair advantage, but physical is playing that old school underdog plot like a boss.I don’t think I’m okay.
Can’t take the antidepressants because A, I don’t want to, and B, my doctors are on vacation and I don’t know yet if the previous suggestion for treatment is going to go through or not, and if that’s the plan, I can’t be starting new medication
Considering I completely lost it and, uh. left, I probably should say some stuff.So my growing trend of being depressing in continually outbursty ways is… exactly that. It is a growing trend. Thanks to the time of month, people actually take intere
I guess it makes sense for a suicide prevention line to be busy at one in the morning, but the very concept, plus four minutes of a bot and muzak is, uh.Unhelpful? A tad?…Guess who called the national suicide prevention line and somehow came out
-comes back from season 3 premiere-brb gonna cry into my milkshake because I don’t think my wall scene is getting animated and my will to live is taking way too many blows this week.It was a good episode if you don’t think about all the ways the manga
Right, this is pretty steeped in fandom stuff, so for the anons in the back who think that’s an invitation to continually send me hate over having feelings, you’ve misunderstood our relationship (again), and also do not. I just need a release valve.What’s
Current challenge: Go 24h without wanting to murder myself.Status: …There’s no shame in starting on easy mode.Five minutes, maybe?Fucking hell this is ridiculous. I mean yeah, death, pain, anger, rawr, but besides that, by now I’m just bored.
Geez, I don’t even know what’s wrong. My head just keeps screaming. It’s whimpering in the corner and the rest of me is just trying to find something in the room to make eye contact with that will take the problem away from me.
Me, liver enzymes high and suspicious areas of my abdomen actively hurting whenever I try to walk: I am probably fine.…Yeah, dream on, kid.This weekend is not going to be fun.
Having phone that doesn’t lag playing Pokemon Go is great. The cost appears to be that it now takes fifteen tries for my computer to recognize my phone long enough to import pictures of my dog. Conservatively.-headdesk-
I wish the IVs didn’t make me feel so damn useless. Moving is hard, thinking is hard, caring is hard, but the stress of all the things I’m not getting done because of all that comes through loud and clear.It could be worse, and it’s been worse,
Friendly reminder Frisbee exists and is, in fact, perfect.
savalkas replied to your photoset: He’s a big pup! :3 He used to be smaller than my foot and now he is forty pounds with bunches of floppy fur to grow into yet. I have emotions about it.
“So this can be used to help pain, but it’s probable that what it will most help you with is the depression.”me, after three days of treatment: -curled up on bed unable to form a thought and clinging to a toy dinosaur and thinking of death while
ghostmartyr:I have tickets. It is happening.
And we have progressed to “I wish I had a gun.”Well fuck.The really petty part of me can’t help but point out that this is exactly why my shrink told me she wanted to see me earlier than we’d planned on last session. Because hey, you know that
This was painful. I was so close to getting to 1800 before 30k. …Minesweeper totally counts as a fandom.
In which I am deliriously happy over something that doesn’t really make sense and I introduce it by being depressing. Growing up when you’re not yourself is very odd. Finding out that you weren’t yourself is possibly odder. When I was
“x is totally a fandom” is my personal tag, for those unaware. Block it at your leisure. You know there might be something wrong when you spend an hour trying to type out exactly why this is coming up and you can’t. Long story short,
The nice thing about running a blog on a queue is that no one has to know about the days when you accidentally let it run out and make the post for the day twenty minutes before it’s due.
-has a brain lesion--spends hours being depressed because it’s small enough and apparently benign enough that treating it probably won’t improve my overall health--spends more hours being depressed because the hope that it is substantial and will
Spraying burning stuff up your nose every two hours for three days is a lot more painful than it sounds. Or precisely as painful as it sounds. Either way, the end result is that this ride was more fun in theory and I am now very sick. Poking things with
Yo, so my brain is currently in a place where I’m breaking out in cold sweats trying to play video games. Words probably could happen, but not without hurting myself.Sorry to keep the people in my inbox hanging even longer; I will get to everything,
The adventures of @momtaku‘s new best friend at Katsucon.His name is Zeke.
Whyyyyy does nothing ever go right. At this point all I’m asking for is a life I don’t actively hate. Please. I need something to not be terrible.…Besides my dog.
I don’t want to be alive. I don’t think I can hack it. Too much fragility, too many problems. All of my energy is being spent on building for a tomorrow that’s probably never coming, and. stuff.I finally told my shrink I hate myself. So I guess
I think I’m out of reasons to stay alive.All I do lately is put more effort than I have into living long enough to suffer worse. It’s pointless and painful, and I think I want to be done now.
For those of you keeping score, you might recall that @momtaku lured me to Katsucon, and great fun was had. Greater fun was had in gifting her an adorable stuffed monkey, named after her completely, legitimately, totally beloved favorite character.Zeke.My
It is difficult to put into words how much fun @momtaku and @manerein brought into my life when they showed up. I’m intending to speak about the last few days, but I suppose that works as a general statement about our friendship. My life wouldn’t
Frisbee is ready for pumpkin carving.
No chapter, and no inbox.Yesiree, good choices all around.Though in a surprise twist, having all of my fandom stuff die in a ditch means that I’m only going mildly insane from accidentally acquiring a job. At this point I can’t tell if I was more
And there’s the fucking crash. Fuck.I can’t keep doing this, so why is this always happening, c’mon.
